ephemeralchemex

hello my name is darren and I’m just here to have a good time and I’m doing a bad job when I was bullet pointing stuff I wanted to make crazy statements about life. I realized they were all topic centered around my crisis. you don’t know about my crisis? here it is.. SAD!! big crisis basically I turned 17 in december and ever since then ,I have been struggling in a variety of realms… my daily waking thoughts sort of just flitting between each of them and that’s what life is now I guess there’s four that I am willing to share with the public at large, gotta maintain a bit of mystery I think there’s actually seven, I kind of wanted there to be nine ,like the nine circles of how I thought I’d be kind of funny I wish I was worse is what I’m saying. I wish I was struggling more for a joke, anyway this is one of the things and we’ll begin with a thesis statement there’s a lot of like empowerment discourse centered around the self ,so like you’re the only thing you actually have which is something I’ve said before but it’s stuff like that, that’s based around control and autonomy and like being able to exert influence over your own life and facilitate your own happiness and it’s a comforting thought it feels good to say I can control this but what if I postulate what if what most fulfilling things about being alive is forming connections with other people but really is something that you can’t control it all because you can’t make other people love you which is where the crisis begins because that’s scary you can’t really make yourself love yourself either but you can at least pretend you can at least give it an old college try whereas other people are terrifying and totally unpredictable because you can’t know what they’re thinking other people lie and masks and want and use and I want them all to love me so bad that was a poor thesis statement far too long there’s a brief history of my life ,I mean don’t worry I’m gonna bring this all back around to like a lesson eventually but I’m not gonna pretend this whole thing isn’t just glorified memememe time so strap in, I didn’t have many friends growing up ,definitely kept more to myself! I don’t think I was shy and I remember feeling like a pole to connect with people like I wanted that but I was definitely anxious and still ahead I was never anyone’s best friend I had a lot of acquaintances and it felt like people who like generally liked me but there was never I was like actually really close to and then anything approaching a close friendship that I would eventually have wouldn’t be until high school and they were all over the Internet then came uni where I made friends somehow like fully a group of girlfriends which was something I had literally never experienced before like I was in a group chat… asked some dumbshit and again I wouldn’t say I was especially close to any of them but we got along and the feeling of like being physically surrounded by people was new and fun and also just moved campus and I was meeting tons of people who I’d known through stalking so it was like all kind of happening but then for some reason I was just done it was like the whole uni mindset after a grand total of one semester I just like came back from Christmas break and then ever since then I’ve been slowly isolating myself intentionally I think honestly I don’t even really know what’s happened but basically I woke up on my 18th birthday like who are my friends? where are they ?what have I actually done over the past like four years at what you throw books or whatever but like who cares? I am joking obviously I could take care of love but I mean in terms of like memories and meaningful relationships and moments distinguishable from one another and not just identical OneNote days lost to the interminable current of time you know? you know that feeling and it’s weird because I’m a huge introvert but my most valuable experiences when it comes to like learning things and feeling honestly alive and like a member of the human race and not just me trotting at home like all of those moments have happened when I’ve been with people and don’t get me wrong I have a rich internal world some may say too rich I talk to myself all day long as someone who spent the better part of his life assuring themselves that they’ll never have to rely on anyone else for anything and who moved to another continent on a whim the month after he turned 18 just to see what would happen I guess like, I’ve always really valued independence! independence is a preclusion and I don’t know why or when I decided that it was in any case the binding thread throughout that really rather for both tale of woe is that I’ve always found it really difficult to build a standing meaningful relationships with people and not really sure why? yeah I may have an inkling I guess it’s where couple reasons and this might get a little bleak and honest, which coincidentally is what I’d call a pub if I had one, so I don’t trust anyone, personally I think that’s one of the main issues I always assume I’m not anyone’s priority so I don’t go out of my way to make anyone else my priority I also have like a weird robot brain that can’t decide what is okay to say or share and I’m really scared of saying too much so I tend to tear on the side of like not saying anything at all which as I’m sure you can imagine. is not a substantial basis to build a close friendship upon and I recognize the irony in making a whole post revealing these quite intimate truths but uh what else? I get really uncomfortable when stuff gets too real and also I tend to be a bit aloof and I think people will assume that like means I’m not into it, I’m just not clingy person at all and I also forget things, like my memories pretty bad basically I think I’m just a bit of a tough nut to crack it’s like all of those things combined ,Jesus Christ! I sound like the worst person ever. I really want to be my friend I swear I have redeeming qualities about myself oh no like I need something that feels exhaustive but not smothering like I want to be comfortably encompassed but not like constantly superficially around and it’s like who is the person that’s gonna deal with any of this, who I also get along with like and given how few people I meet on a regular basis like I pass a billion people on earth a day and I’m like who are all of you people like could I care for you how many of you idiots could I love ?I might be overestimating the amount of people I could actually be close to which is simultaneously comforting and makes it even worse it might be a hundred a day it might be none I don’t know. that being said that thought has made all my past relationships feel all the more valuable like lately I found myself wanting to go back and say hey !I spent a bit of my life with you and I think that and it’s like weird to never talk to you again I guess like I don’t know I think just any sort of real thing with anyone is so rare and I’ve realized that maybe this whole thing made me so nervous in the first place because I always knew it was important like it was some phenomenon I couldn’t quite parse but I knew I wanted more of and I was scared of ruining things and I convinced myself that because it makes me nervous I ought to just like get rid of it but that’s not how things work! hey Siri why am I so emotionally unavailable ?stating question anything curated version of my actual thoughts and then I’m like well maybe that’s what everyone does but I don’t think everyone does that genuinely never felt like I actually fit in I’ve come near to that I guess but so hard to cross that intimacy… is there a moment where you’re supposed to be like oh you’re, you’re dear to me suddenly to people in moments but then I go home and I when you boil it down really this whole Giga so lonely dead-end ,I mean no one dies with us ,am i right ladies? so what is the point why is this something I have decided I need so badly right now honestly I feel like I’ve already wasted time and people and time with people I think it’s fair to say that it’s not quite as trivial as like I feel like I don’t do enough on weekends maybe it’s actually like when I arrive at the end of my life I want to know that I’ve loved so much and that I’ve been so loved and that I spent my time on earth enjoying my own company? sure but also made it through in camaraderie with the only other beings I will ever encounter anyone who have any semblance of understanding of what it’s like to be looking out the window on this absolute nonsense train journey towards oblivion and I want to have looked as many of them in the eyes as I could and have said to them , I will never ever truly know what they’re thinking but God do I understand ,God do I hope they understand and that may be in the pursuit of making sense of ourselves and of making sense of any of this. the most important resource we have is each other and maybe that’s why I’m so desperate to find as many things that are real enough to hold in my hands as I can but that is a very strong opener, can’t pull that one out in the smoking area so I will think of something else…..